Cocktail outings are one thing, because oh, Ill just pull up an extra chair is hard to argue with. As I said, I find these conversations miserable. The guy had the kind of job that involved getting up before dawn and he was already in bed he wasnt super impressed, and thats when I started really thinking about whether it was OK to just drop in on people not everyone has the same schedule as me. I was really angry when they torpedoed Google Chat, because at least that had the option to be invisible. Unfortunately, it has also become increasingly common for burglars (disguised as solicitors) to case a home by ringing the bell to see if a residence is unoccupied. I hate to say it, but what if they just didnt feel like seeing you that day? Be blunt. Oh I agree that asking directly may not yield usable information. Perhaps the best way to do this would be to communicate that you are unable to attend, but are thankful for the invitation. And if I get somewhere ridiculously early I will go walk around the block several times until Im actually expected, or go to a coffee shop or something. I have a friend who has really bad social anxiety (which paired with my own anxiety is not always a fun time). I try to host people in my home every so often just so that I have the excuse/motivation to do this kind of cleaning which I then enjoy all by myself for several days after. I had thought about naked secrecy ( another poster), but he did shower at night as a rule. How Should I Handle My Man Forgetting My Best Man Poem Ideas for a Brother's Wedding. I grew up in a small town where unexpected visits were totally normal. If he thinks there's a chance you might show up with your suitcase trying to stay the weekend, he'll be more apt to shut your dinner-and-a-movie suggestion down. You must not mind being told not a good time, please leave. Other people, other times in my life, not so much. But with more scheduling and perhaps busier roads and less societal tolerance for kids walking somewhere by themselves, maybe the amount of arranging that a kid can take on at a given age and ability level has decreased. Dating is awkward in every stage of life. There are old social scars that still ache. Bye everyone. Nothing wrong with hanging out for a while after to see if the person is free after, but when it starts stretching into 45 minutes of that persons professional obligations you need to take a hint. Oh ha! I have a dear friend who provides me with an interesting variation of this broader issue: inviting other friends of HIS along to plans that I (or others among our mutual friends) try to make with him. So on time it hurts. She enjoys learning about relationship and communication skills in order to develop her own and others' relationships. Additional awkwardness if I have company already and didnt invite the drop-inner. If you're inviting somebody over to your house and it's the fourth date, there may be a presumption of sex on his part. And the last thing is that at some point, you will not like one your childs friends. My apologies, Manattee. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time. You are invited to the birthday party of my sweet little baby who is turning one on coming Sunday. I think big expensive things get a pass on the discussing in front of others thing. She said said I was the one getting married, I could invite whomever I wanted. Arrangements with friends have all been clear so far. Advance notice gives us time to put on Social Face (brush hair, brush teeth, put on clothes that dont do double duty on a scarecrow or Halloween decoration, plus whatever tidying up around the house/shame cleaning we feel compelled to do) and to sort out our work/chore schedule around the visit. Oh, agreed! My narcissist mother apparently wore her own mom down so that she could just drop in any old time she wanted without calling or ringing the doorbell first. Things have changed since I was young. His dads Belgian and his mums Irish and he grew up in Ireland but went to university in Belgium and hes been working in Austria for the last five years but he spends a lot of time in Ireland and I have NO IDEA which version he was using and I dont have his phone number!. Likewise if hes invited somewhere and its an invite for both of us or hes been specifically told that partners are welcome; if not then Ill happily wave him off and have an evening in on my own with a good book and a bottle of wine and have some me time. Is it cool if I go to that? Different people have different expectations for what a friendship will look like, and different needs re: social and alone time. ", (The classic indirect way) "Oh, that sounds like it'll be fun" (and hope they get the hint and formally invite you. That is outrageous! If you can improve the overall social impression you make you'll give yourself more leeway to invite yourself to things. I totally understand that shame cleaning is a thing and I know the shame aspect of cleaning comes from a wide array of sources both personal and cultural and have felt/done it myself in certain circumstances. If you're a fun, interesting person, who gets along well with everyone who's coming, then nobody's really going to protest if you appear. You go on a date and have a great time; you hang out, drink, and have a nice time, but he is not asking you to come over. Others covered a lot of this for me already, but the short answer is that at 7 and with autism, my son is really, really not ready to be placed in charge of inviting his friend over. Single. From my perspective, THEY were the rude ones, just dropping by and then lingering.forever. There may be many people who wouldnt think either of those things are rude, but if this is an issue youre worried about then erring on the side of caution is probably better. If I am 5-10 min early, then I will walk my ass up to your door and knock. If I know the people in question well enough I will sometimes just be explicit. Maybe they were being good guests, maybe they were grateful for a way to feel involved, maybe they thought they were bribing the GM to be kind on the next critical botch. I was actually discussing the music for the wedding with the person who would actually be playing said music, so not even just a casual conversation about it; it could hardly have been construed as a taunt given that she was the one who came over and inserted herself. Ive had way too many experiences of feeling like Im intruding to do otherwise. I have this problem, tooI canNOT invite myself somewhere, even if I know the host would be happy to have me. Be clear about when you plan on arriving and leaving. You get your period " Honestly why the f*ck doesn't he have tampons?" "Oh my god, my. And to the subject of unexpected visits. I dont always remember (to check my calendar, that is.). I am actually super social but also have anxiety, so you know..conflicts! Im hungry too. What do you do? You were a little kid. I thought I was so bad at reading people, but it turns out that Im completely average. Everyone has different preferences about this, so it can be tricky to figure out what to do in general. Physical issues too. It is exactly what the Captain says about her not having the bandwidth to reach out to me so maybe I should just let it go but I miss her so much and I dont want to lose the connection. (closes door, puts in earplugs to block out resulting temper tantrum, goes back to bed) Most of my social contacts are on Twitter so theres a lot of very public conversation happening so my general thing is you dont talk about it in front of someone who was actually excluded, but its okay if they just werent specifically invited. If someone says, Hey, this was a special event and you werent technically invited to it, she throws a tantrum. As an adult, I simply cant bring myself to go or do anything that I have not been explicitly invited to. Because while there are people (very extremely few people) I can happily hang out with regularly for 9 hours, they are not them. At the time we were both only working part time with some help from my student loans, and making an extra meal, possibly for all three of us, wasnt always a welcome expense. So there is one more game to play, one more thing to try together. So, Id be interested to know how to handle someone once theyve already shown up, uninvited and not particularly wanted, to social events. If someone is dropping by all the time I would get annoyed, and it makes me nervous about the friendship because of reasons I talk about below. Heres what I suggest. Oh, and I forgot to add: people who live in a way where they have to clean for hours just to have people over? Ask him if it is cool to come over or if he would keep you company while your friends come back. I was expecting to catch up with my friend one-on-one at the restaurant, only to discover that he had several friends in tow. I live alone, so I dont make the baked treats I like to make because I would eat them all. 1600, masturbate to porn; 1630, cleanup; 1700, SO arrives. So if any of the people they had carefully arranged in their schedule/chessboard had the temerity to break pattern and show up early or try to clean under the bed or anything that threatened to bring the two sides of their lives together theyd explode with rageand since they couldnt talk about the actual cause of their anger, they often used bullshit nonsensical excuses, like, When you sweep for dustbunnies under the bed it implies you think Im a disgusting person. (Instead of: that is where I keep evidence about my affairs. If youre going to Drop by dont plan to be here for more than 10 minutes. Nothing you did deserves that kind of treatment; you didnt prompt that with your manners or lack of them. I personally find it sad, as so many times the reason for wanting to end a friendship is based on miscommunications that were left to fester until the only thing left to do is demote the other person to an outer circle, or cut them out of ones life altogether. I sent him an email when I left, and arrived 25 minutes later. LW says they considered this person their *best friend. Weve got a few errands to run, so how about if we drop by in about 30 minutes? that would be perfect. I didnt want to post this in response to any one person, but Im a little confused by the way the definition of shame clean seems to be expanding? You should come by the house later!. My parents chewed me out in the car when they came to get me for inviting myself over to someones home (which I was already in and had been asked if I wanted to stay). There was a short and unpleasant phone conversation, and I mailed her a new invite. At the same time, I get really antsy about people coming over to drop by even when I do have a good couple of hours of notice. It's a public place. On the other hand, I have this one friend who tends to make plans and then get busy with other things and forget to follow through, and Friend has told me more than once that I need to be more persistent about hanging out because Friend is borderline ADD and WILL forget to get in touch with me to arrange hanging-out time if I dont press the issue. They wonder if they should take charge and ask if they can come along, but they're also worried that everyone doesn't actually want them there. Down. Its often said that a way to a guys heart is through his stomach. Tell him you have a commitment and will need to leave his place by a certain time. (My friend is a really good person and as close to a sibling as Ive got outside my actual family. I have appointments, errands, etc.). Im coming in late and have enjoyed looking at the different takes on dropping by. I would say that if a guy invites you over, just say "how about we meet at x" and change the plans before you label him as a creep. I dont have kids and its been a while since I was that young, so I dont want to speculate too much. Also I dont care how YOU (or the poster above you) feels about the underwear on my floor, Im still picking it up before anyone comes in. It was normal to just knock on their door on our way back from class to see if they were home/wanted to hang out. The main reason I was even playing Destiny was to try to reconnect with someone. What about a SO situation? Ideally you've got lots of other stuff going on in your social life, so you have this attitude naturally. Im glad Im not the only person who finds this difficult. But she didnt like me much, and I didnt care much, so whatever. STOP THAT, PEOPLE. Oh also, the good old days when people could just drop by anytime had rules too, they were just different rules. So. Now one is enforcing etiquette rules, and the other is wondering if theyre really rules so as to figure out if any were broken as though knowing that would make her right and her friend wrong. You might also find out what his favorite type of movie is and maybe find it on Netflix or disney+, then ask if you can watch it at his house. 5. Especially since I kind of see him as a big brother to me. But I care. maybe they thought i wouldnt like it, maybe they knew i was busy, or maybe? Many people just consider it rude, clueless, or presumptuous. My mums completely different. I came down to help full-time, 24/7, with my grandmothers care; sadly, she died a while back. said person has said, hey why dont you stick around for a while, in pretty much those exact words). In short, she limits my ability to say no graciously. It didnt occur to me before you said it, but it could totally be a function of the fact that Im not so plugged in with most of my friends lives when Im not hanging out with them face to face. I probably will teach him to invite friends over the phone eventually, but my guess is that it will be one or two years before he is ready to start it. Its harder to say no than yes, so phrasing the question in a way that they dont have to say no makes a huge difference. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. Why? But then I worry she will think Im pre-emptively avoiding her. ! when someone shows up unexpectedly, and I only attend events I have been expressly invited to. I am NOT going to be guilted into inviting all and sundry thanks to GSF. I know some families like to plan a group vacation together, but I never encountered anyone just trying to invite themselves on someones personal holiday! Finally I think he invited you because he might want to spend a few good times with you like watch a movie or maybe he wand to do the next step to kiss you or just tell you he likes you or something. Inviting a girl to your place is no other than getting her on a date, but because the date will be at your place it has more implications to her than going for a coffee. I love her dearly and wish I could see her more, but every time she does this I get hives and feel panicky and cornered and like my inability to see her on Day X is somehow a Thing That Is My Fault and I Suck As A Friend. Person #4: Its Free Comic Book Day Saturday, so Im gonna go find a store and pick up some stuff to read. Going to a street fair devoted to tacos., Green light means go. Should I go or not? And I never, never drop by someone elses house without warning! Part of the home visit dread in my life is the potential endlessness of it. If someone in your social circle is throwing a. Christine Jones is an editor who likes to write about modern dating trends and dating tips. It didnt occur to me that that was what I was doing, I was just excited, dont get to see her much, and the bike shop is close to her home. I am old enough and have talked myself through this sort of thing enough, and busy enough with my own life, that I generally respond to we went out and did this fun thing we didnt invite you to by saying oh, really, that sounds nice! and I mean it. In desperation, I basically self-diagnosed as autistic and followed the advice I found on the Internet I just started to straight-up name what I saw and ask about it. Word. Cooking is one of many love languages, and if you are familiar with it, then there is no better way to show him how much you care than by preparing a tasty home-cooked dinner. Here are some additional thoughts: Dont worry why things seem different stopping by work and home. Im free next Thursday, if you want to try for then?. 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